Why I became a Blogger

Hey everyone, Helen back again and as promised in the last post I want to tell you why I became a blogger. The reason why is simply because writing makes me feel like I have a friend, someone I can talk to without fear of reproach. The reason why I didn’t choose a niche like fashion or beauty is that I am not that type of girl, I am a social recluse, not a complete bookworm, not a tomboy not a girly girl. I don’t really have a label, I suppose I am an eclectic soul, like a sphere I have an infinite amount of facets to me. I love reading crime fiction, watching mystery tv, as much as I loathe saying this when the mood strikes me cleaning can be very comforting to me. I am a creature of comfort I find solace in a noisy coffee shop where I can shut off my thoughts.

The reason behind the name: Helen L Writes, is simply my name and because I am an aspiring writer. I wish I could say there was some deeper meaning behind it all, but I wanted the name to be me, something that I could make a name for myself out of.

I used to have this a4 ring binder as a kid where I used to keep my writings and just some a4 paper punched into it. It was my diary. I could write whatever I wanted to in there and because it looked like another school binder no one ever looked into it. I guess having that little black binder gave me the inspiration to write and just be me. Coincidentally I now prep my posts in an a4 binder. Maybe one day I’ll show you it

Learning to Love Me Again

Hi There,

This is an incredibly difficult post for me to write because I still don’t quite know if I do love me again just yet, Let me explain…

About 2 – 2.5 years ago I was in a relationship that revolved solely around the physical elements of a relationship, most of the time it was consensual, sometimes it was not consensual, and the times it wasn’t consensual, the times it was not have left me with permanent scars on my mind, as well as so many body confidence issues that I am learning to overcome, taking time off work has more than helped me realise I am okay with who I am, it is not me who is at fault for what happened to me, although I hid the guilt and hatred for myself for about 2 years, I am now re-learning my body and accepting myself for who I am, I used to hate so many areas of my body because of what happened to me.

That is not the only relationship that has left me with scars, I have had partners in the past who have tried to dominate me, emotionally abuse me, and use me. So all that and then what happened to me, I was bound to have an emotional breakdown at some point, I just didn’t know it was going to be as serious as it was.

I was suicidal about 2 months ago when my own self-hatred, turned my mind into a full-blown war zone, I can remember that day as clear as a photograph. I was in work, l was dealing with a customer on the phone and this overwhelming sense of I can’t do this anymore, I don’t want to be here, I managed to control myself while I dealt with the caller but I was trying my best to get off the phone as quickly as I could because I was physically broken, I almost sprinted into the bathroom when I got off that phone, I couldn’t take the thoughts anymore, I had to stop them some how, and at that time, the only way for me was out. Part of me wanted to go through with it, part of me didn’t. Now I am looking back, I am so glad that one of my colleagues caught me before I did something stupid. She was going to go and get one of our team managers, but I knew that wouldn’t help so I mustered up the words, first aider, my first aider managed to get me to a place where I could talk again because I was so distraught words were broken by sobs of I hate myself, I managed to go back into the office with the help of my first aider and phone my doctor who got me in on an emergency appointment after waiting 25 mins on the phone to get through to someone, I got up and managed to hobble my way out the door where my partner, went to bring the car round, and the first aider with all good intentions went to bring me outside, except instead of doing it in a private way, she brought me out through another floor where I felt all eyes were on me before getting outside,

My doctor prescribed me with chronic stress and signed me off work for 2 months while I got myself together. I was also given S.O.S Lines to call if I got into distress again, I was sent home with the instruction, rest and do not do anything to cause stress.

Since then I have had my ok and not so ok days, or as I term then green days and red days, My green days are beginning to outlast my red ones.

I have my checklist for stress made up and emailed to all relevant contacts for when my red days go crimson. I will write up my checklist for you all soon as who knows maybe some of my coping techniques could help someone else.

Writing off for now


Hey Girls,

This is a message to all the girls of the world. You are beautiful

Ok so today I was out shopping for myself in my favorite stores’, charity shops and I got some great deals.
But when I went into conventional stores like Quiz to see what styles were in dress wise this winter for my formal I got really disheartened to see all the mannequins dressed in size 6 or below. OK, I get that they are mannequins but why are they so skinny. That doesn’t represent the female form in anything other than anatomy. We need to see mannequins that have big bottoms wide thighs big chests. Apple pear hourglass banana rectangle every shape. Every size. Not just the generic one size fits all. If it looks good on a skinny mannequin and you are curvaceous like me does that give you a good idea of what it’s gonna be like on? No! I went into TkMaxx the other week to buy homewear but stopped by modbox as I like looking at the styles of the season and my heart sank like a stone I broke down because when I lifted my size in a beautiful olive dress it looked like a stick would barely fit in it. Clothing companies need to have a regulatory size for all clothing, not one shop one shape. I’m sick of it. We are teaching our children it’s okay to be sticks. Food is the enemy. In my head, I’ve grown up with good role models but as a teen, I got pressured by the media to be a certain way. I’m now 25 and to this day I am the most self-critical person I strip of at night and all I want to do is cry because I see something isn’t perfect I have tiger striped legs that make me feel like I’m walking with 2 big tree trunks attached to me. But in all honesty, they are a part of me that makes me stronger because I know that I’m not happy with the way I look. I try to improve myself in ways that make me feel empowered like wearing well-fitting clothes and putting the mask of happy on. If I wear it long enough it may end up sticking and il be happy again.

Well Hello There

Hey there, it is Helen and I just want to drop by to say Hello and Welcome to Helenwritesxoxo.net. I suppose I should introduce myself. I am Helen 25 and I live in Northern Ireland. Sure the weather is not bad if you don’t mind the constant rain LOL.
I was diagnosed with autism about 12 years ago, we are actually coming up on the 12th anniversary of my diagnosis, it is quite apt that I was diagnosed just before WAAD, for those who do not know the acronym it stands for World Autism Awareness Day.

Things I love are my books, cold days, warm blankets, my partner, uplifting happy songs that are so cringe-worthy that I cannot help to smile and then there is the dark broody music which is good for when I work out. There are so many facets to me I could be here all day writing.

Things I hate, rude people who would look through you and cut you with their eyes, mess, i know my house gets untidy from time to time but it really stresses me out and makes me anxious about my environment. I am currently writing this post from my bed until I get my office in some sort of order. I also hate “fake friends” who pretend to be nicey nice to you for a while and then ghost you. Just because I am on the autism spectrum does not mean to say I have no feelings, sure when you tell me things it may take me longer to process them, and fully understand the meaning, if people want to ghost me, just don’t become my friend in the first place, I don’t have many friends and to be honest as much as I would like a circle of friends who truly understand me, sometimes between work and the minefields of social interactions I have to work through, my brain cannot cope with friends coming and going as they see fit. I cannot physically understand why someone would do that to a human being and I know people grow apart, but come on that is a mutual decision.
Sorry for the tangent where was I now.
Oh Yes telling you about who I am, I am a passionate person as that little rant probably demonstrated, I try to stay out of the politics and the news unless it is a life or death situation, Not because I am disinterested in politics but because I am a peacekeeper I do not like to start arguments for the sake of it. In fact, with my autism, arguments tend to cause me major stress, and I know what you are thinking why become a blogger then, well I will tell you the reason behind why I became Helen Writes xoxo, in my next post, as I think I have rambled on enough.

This is Helen, signing off xoxo