Hey Blog fans, its Helen again, back with another emotionally charged blog
As most of you know in January I suffered a mental breakdown due to finally telling my family I was raped by a previous partner. It has been a tough road for me but in March when I finally went back to work, I got the courage to speak up at my Condition Management Programme assessment. I was told beforehand that if I mentioned anything of abuse something which could raise the alarm of concern, would have to be reported to the police and as it was the cause of my mental breakdown, I knew I had to go through it and tell my story as I hid it because I was sure no one would believe me, it’s my word against his and because it was a historic event as in it happened just over 2 and a bit years ago there was no actual evidence they could collect.
Within a few days I had a PCO, (community police officer) come and take the statement from me of my version of events. Now bringing up the past always has brought out my worst critic and once she is loose, she is vicious I have a name for her, I call her Nao. It’s easy for me to say to her “Shut Up” when I am on a good day but she runs a bit rampant on my bad days and bringing up that “event”. She was emotionally beating me into the ground, She comes out when I am writing too, so if I ever say “shut up NAO”, you’ll now know who I am talking to.
Now I think I am emotionally stable enough at this present time to tell you my version of events and what we did next.
No names will be mentioned though as I want to keep that devil’s name out of my mouth
(is it weird I am talking to myself as I am typing this)
Back in the beginning of 2016 I had been in a relationship with **** for about 5 months on this particular night we were at my parents house, in the back living room, going to watch a DVD, now I was wearing a skirt and a nice top as I wanted to make myself feel good about myself. As I was picking out the dvds out of the drawer **** came up behind me and he put his hand up my skirt and started to try it on with me, now I pushed him off and said no, but for some reason unbeknownst to me he wouldn’t take no as an answer and forced himself upon me, now as an autistic woman, frozen in shock and fear that he may turn angry I let **** attack me, I couldn’t scream or do anything, I felt paralysed by my fear. (Nao, please shut it I am feeling quite vulnerable about this topic and you aren’t helping matters) I can remember him just doing the deed, and leaving my home shortly after, he was very shifty with me, always just coming for one thing, not really wanting to be with me for anything else
I remember hiding the fact that I was raped for years trying to process what happened if I was at fault, did I lead him on in any way, give him the hints that I was up for it. NO I SAID NO and that’s when I finally accepted my situation and begun hating myself for letting **** anywhere near me.
I just wanted to be loved not abused. I was a vulnerable girl, autistic and not fully compos mentos. I was not to blame for his actions.
Once I gave my statement it was passed on to the team who would be dealing with it. Of course with things of this delicate a nature, life has its curveballs and I ended up having to give the statement again. But this time it was properly recorded and I got the choice to either have him cautioned and leave it at that or I could look to prosecute him.
As this was such an ordeal for me. I made the decision that was right for me. 2.5 years is a long time and it’s my word against his. I chose to have him cautioned and warned not to contact anyone to get to me. I’m too much of an emotionally sensitive person to go through with prosecution.
Well there you have it. My story on reporting my rapist. If any of my beautiful readers need support. Leave me a message in my contact box I’ll be there for you.