6 months of happy turned into hell
Hi Blog Fans
(I really need to think of something to call you all – Leave Suggestions in the comments?)
Writing this post on a green day, I’ll explain that later. I know if I write this on a red day il probably end up throwing the pc/laptop out the window in a rage of writers block and hysteria. Ok before I get too side tracked let me explain my green / red days. I normally wear a band on my wrist like the ones you would get if you support charities you know the rubber ones that were all the rage in the 2000s. I got it on amazon for £5. I use it to alert people around me to if I am going into a depressive episode or if I am overstimulated https://www.amazon.co.uk/Child-Mood-Band-purchase-180mm/dp/B01LEXNH38?th=1 for any of you who may feel that these could help you here is the link I bought mine from.
But that’s not what this post is about. I relapsed at the beginning of this week, now it’s not as serious as my first breakdown, but it’s still bad, I have noticed over the past month feelings of depersonalisation, low self-esteem, really low body image that it’s been hard for me to focus on things I love, even watching TV. I feel myself zone out and feel like I am just watching myself live this tedious life. Monday was the straw that broke me, sitting in work taking calls I started noticing the zoning out and the feeling of watching myself live, maybe I’m not explaining myself very well. I wonder if any of you remember the Simpson’s episode where homer is a ghost and sees his own body lying there on the ground, it feels like I am homer watching myself just sit there.
I went to my manager and asked for a break because I was red band and this feeling just wouldn’t shake, As I went and bought myself some porridge to take my medication with I just noticed myself getting worse and worse until the point where I broke into tears. I got my other half to lend me his phone as mine was in the car and I phoned my GP who luckily had an open surgery on which meant if I could get out of work I could call down to my GP and get this sorted once and for all as my depression is starting to annoy me now I just want to be happy.
The first thing my doctor did was assess my mood for suicidal tendencies which although there are some self-harm issues I am looking to overcome the suicidal issues not so much. She then went on to ask what prompted this relapse and I have a couple of ideas as to what may have caused it. First it may have been my autism catching a thought and running amok in my head with it, I can honestly say my mind is like a dog chasing a bone. The other cause could be my low body image, it is one of the main sources of my unhappiness. The third possibility could be I’ve run myself into the ground worrying about things beyond my control.
Now I am not saying recovery is going to be easy as my doctor has upped my dose to the maximum 200mg of sertraline, if this doesn’t help which I am hoping it will I could be looking at changing medications again, which is a whole other hell as it may not agree with me yadda yadda. I also need to take positive steps to ensure I am getting the help I need, my case worker came to see me yesterday and helped me phone a few people who I need to contact for various purposes, sometimes even just meeting her for a coffee and a snack just helps lift my mood for a little bit and encourages me to do something positive when I get home. My sleep pattern is still up the left so that’s the next issue I am looking to tackle on my road to recovery.
My road to recovery is going to be a long one as I have had many ups and downs like a game of snakes and ladders, every time I am close to climbing another ladder a snake strikes and I’m slowly having to crawl my way back up again.
There are steps I can take to fight the snakes.
1. Take care of my physical health
2. Take care of my personal hygiene
3. Start doing things I love again
4. Stop being so down on myself
5. Remember to take my meds
6. Get enough sleep
7. Eat healthily
8. Drink water
9. Move more
Until next time Blog fans x