This is an incredibly difficult post for me to write because I still don’t quite know if I do love me again just yet, Let me explain…
About 2 – 2.5 years ago I was in a relationship that revolved solely around the physical elements of a relationship, most of the time it was consensual, sometimes it was not consensual, and the times it wasn’t consensual, the times it was not have left me with permanent scars on my mind, as well as so many body confidence issues that I am learning to overcome, taking time off work has more than helped me realise I am okay with who I am, it is not me who is at fault for what happened to me, although I hid the guilt and hatred for myself for about 2 years, I am now re-learning my body and accepting myself for who I am, I used to hate so many areas of my body because of what happened to me.
That is not the only relationship that has left me with scars, I have had partners in the past who have tried to dominate me, emotionally abuse me, and use me. So all that and then what happened to me, I was bound to have an emotional breakdown at some point, I just didn’t know it was going to be as serious as it was.
I was suicidal about 2 months ago when my own self-hatred, turned my mind into a full-blown war zone, I can remember that day as clear as a photograph. I was in work, l was dealing with a customer on the phone and this overwhelming sense of I can’t do this anymore, I don’t want to be here, I managed to control myself while I dealt with the caller but I was trying my best to get off the phone as quickly as I could because I was physically broken, I almost sprinted into the bathroom when I got off that phone, I couldn’t take the thoughts anymore, I had to stop them some how, and at that time, the only way for me was out. Part of me wanted to go through with it, part of me didn’t. Now I am looking back, I am so glad that one of my colleagues caught me before I did something stupid. She was going to go and get one of our team managers, but I knew that wouldn’t help so I mustered up the words, first aider, my first aider managed to get me to a place where I could talk again because I was so distraught words were broken by sobs of I hate myself, I managed to go back into the office with the help of my first aider and phone my doctor who got me in on an emergency appointment after waiting 25 mins on the phone to get through to someone, I got up and managed to hobble my way out the door where my partner, went to bring the car round, and the first aider with all good intentions went to bring me outside, except instead of doing it in a private way, she brought me out through another floor where I felt all eyes were on me before getting outside,
My doctor prescribed me with chronic stress and signed me off work for 2 months while I got myself together. I was also given S.O.S Lines to call if I got into distress again, I was sent home with the instruction, rest and do not do anything to cause stress.
Since then I have had my ok and not so ok days, or as I term then green days and red days, My green days are beginning to outlast my red ones.
I have my checklist for stress made up and emailed to all relevant contacts for when my red days go crimson. I will write up my checklist for you all soon as who knows maybe some of my coping techniques could help someone else.
Writing off for now